5. The top four things I miss most were easy to define, didn’t take much thought…but the fifth? Nothing really stands out…nothing screams to me, “Yoo-hoo! Over here…Remember Me? I’m the fifth thing you miss most…Living in Ukraine.” Let’s see… I don’t miss…Insurance…Taxes…Drive by shootings…um…the ever affordable costs of medical care in the United States…I don’t miss them. I don’t miss the political election commercials that will be running for the next 10-11 months. Aside from the one thing I do miss most, I’ve been able to find everything I could want in Ukraine…or failing that, create a reasonable approximation to it. Texas style chili? I can do that. Oh…there it is…way back there in the corner.

I miss GOOD BUNS. No…I’m not talking about BUTTS…I’m talking about Hamburger Buns, Hot Dog Buns and Philadelphia Cheese Steak, Steak Bomb, Meatball Sub type BUNS. That’s what I’m talking about…BUNS that hold together after you put some mayonnaise, mustard and ketchup on them, that don’t fall apart when you pick em up. FRESH, SOFT BUT FIRM, HOT BUNS. That is the #5 thing I miss most, so it’s like Yeah…we got bread, it’s not what I call good bread…but it’s bread…no one goes to Subway and says, “Can I have some bread?” No…they want everything that goes on the bread…the bread is just the packaging. Of course, that opens up the many different types of bread available at Subway…White, Wheat, Sesame Seed, Cheesy Bread…well, that is a point…but I remember the days when Subway didn’t have special cheesy-parmesian-sesame seed bread…and just had plain ordinary bread…and we had to walk barefoot, uphill – both ways! And I liked it that way!…

4. BIG COFFEE. It doesn’t matter what you order, every kind of coffee and anything remotely like coffee, comes in a small demitasse cup. Some small demitasse cups are slightly bigger than others, but regardless how big the cup is, you still receive the same small amount of coffee. Now, it can be argued that since the coffee is stronger that you are getting the same amount of caffeine as a regular American cup of coffee…but that misses the point. Americans are not overly particular about their coffee, so long as it has a reasonable approximation to tasting like coffee…and it’s BIG. A typical small cup of coffee in the United States is at least 8 ounces. Here it is more like 4 ounces. Living here…heck, even vacationing here…I’ve bought three coffee machines and left two of them in the apartment to help out the next American – so…coffee machines are available and usually some cheap, nasty Jacobs is available at a local store. That doesn’t help you when you are at a restaurant. So…if you really like coffee, bring your Texas-sized Circle K mug with you when you eat out…and when ordering, ask for 8 cups of coffee…and that will give you your BIG 32 OUNCE CUP OF COFFEE. Adapt…Improvise….Overcome!

3. Deep Conversations…in English. This really applied the first six months I had when coming here knowing no one. One of the first phrases to learn, in Russian is, “Ya ploha gavaru po-russki” which means, “I speak Russian poorly.” By saying that, those who can will make an effort to speak English and usually do half-way decent. Discussing deep subjects…you know…like business, politics, philosophy, where’s the nearest bathroom…well…really have to learn Russian…and realize that if you say “gent-ski toilet” you aren’t referring to the gentleman’s toilet. Well…anyway, it’s important to seek out others who speak English before you start talking to yourself.

2. Customer Service. Yeah? What? Why are you bothering me with this? What do you mean you don’t have EXACT change? Don’t you know that we require EXACT change?! C’mon! Yes, I realize this is the bank…but we can’t give you EXACT change unless you have EXACT change. Are you sure you don’t have EXACT change? Run home and get EXACT change.

Now…supposing you do run home and get EXACT change and return, everyone else in line behind you…yeah…they’ll still be there…waiting for you. They ain’t gonna be happy. That is one reason why firearms are illegal in Ukraine. And…just as you step up to give the clerk EXACT change…it’s LUNCH TIME. There are three things that are absolutely essential to live in Ukraine. Patience. Flexibility. And…EXACT change.

1. Maple Syrup. Odd as it may be…yes, Maple Syrup is the one thing I and many other expats living in Ukraine desperately miss. There is no real substitute for REAL Log Cabin or even Aunt Jemima Maple Syrup. No Maple Syrup effectively eliminates a whole range of breakfast options…No pancakes with bacon, ham, sausage, eggs and hashbrowns …No waffles with sausage and eggs…No strawberry waffles with whipped cream…No French Toast, Texas Toast or Freedom Toast with bacon and eggs…No “three pigs in a blanket”…No Dutch Apple Pancakes…What’s the world coming to? Maple Syrup poses no great security risk… Maple Syrup does not threaten the balance of power…anywhere. Maple Syrup is not a controversial socio-political issue. Maple Syrup is…Maple Syrup. We want it…it’s a free market and any company wishing to introduce Maple Syrup into Ukraine will receive the best word of mouth advertising imaginable. Put American expats in your commercials and watch your sales skyrocket!